Dear Ashtanga,
I am gonna be honest with you, you drive me freaking nuts. You have woken me up at the butt-crack of dawn 5-6 days a week, you have made my body hurt, you have made me laugh, you have made me cry, you have pissed me off, you have turned me into a lunar dork, you have made me feel isolated in a crowd, you have made me vulnerable, and you have given me bruises and Ashtangi toe, but most of all you have scared me. So yeah, I have been MIA for a while. Like, come on, I am a full time student who works part time, and trying to make time for a social life. And I am the only Ashtangi here so I feel alone all the time. So I haven’t rolled out my mat to meet you everyday…sometimes in a week or two. Then I feel guilty that I shut off my alarm at 6 am to just go back to sleep, so that makes me mad. Then I start to feel out of control and insecure without you, so that makes me mad too! I am mad at you because I always think about you. I am mad at you because I am scared to get on my mat because I am scared to see what my time away has done. I am mad because without you, I am sad and angry and not me anymore. So I should just stop wasting time with you, end our relationship right now, never to speak or think of you again.
But….
I miss you. I miss you desperately. I miss our time in the wee hours of the morning. I miss the since of accomplishment. I miss the confidence you gave me. The strength mentally and physically. I miss the joy, and the anger and sadness. I miss the never ending lessons you continued to teach me. I miss you keeping me accountable. I miss your motivation, on and off the mat. I miss the contentment you helped me cultivate. But most of all, I miss your absolute essence, that one that vibrates in the Shala in Mysore or any shala in the world. That one that woke me up excited, even if it was for a 4:30am time slot. The one that shook me to my very core, that tore down my walls, to rebuild stronger and more beautiful ones. The one that connects souls all over the globe. The one that connected me back to myself. I miss you.
So…
I will fight. I will fight to reconnect with you. I will fight, to maintain that connection. I will fight to drag my ass out of bed when my alarm goes off. I will fight for the motivation and confidence. I will accept that it is going to be hard. I will accept that it won’t always be joy. I will accept that self-practice is so, so hard and so, so lonely. But I will have faith in you. I will have faith in the joy, anger, and sadness. I will have faith that this whole thing is worth it and has a purpose. I will have faith that the essence is still there. I will have faith that is never really left. I will fight, I will accept and forgive, I will have faith in you.
You drive me nuts, but life without you just isn’t an option.
Ally
aspiring ashtangi 