Nope..not referring to the Usher song though when I was typing the title it definitely came to mind. It has been quite sometime since I have blogged and it’s not because I have not had enough time (though I am very busy) but its because I have been avoiding it. Since the regular spring semester ended and summer began my routine changed drastically. Though I am taking a couple summer classes and working 4 days a week, I have much more free time. I was extremely disciplined throughout the spring semester…waking up between 5-6 am every morning doing my practice, eating well and according to what my body needed, very rarely drinking alcohol, going on daily walks, doing my japa…not only was killing it in my classes, I was being an A+ Ashtangi! Then summer rolled around and I found myself waiting till later to practice, staying up late, going out more than I had been, not eating as well as I should, and eventually skipping practice all together. To say the least as far as my ashtangi grade goes…I’m failing. I am living down at school in Boone taking summer classes and waitressing, I am loving it, but maybe loving it to much and it is at my practice’ expense. Since May, my practice has been totally interrupted by my social life…I would go a week sometimes without rolling out my mat. I would be lucky if I practiced more than three times in a week even. Though externally I have been enjoying myself, I feel old patterns and feelings developing internally. Some being laziness, sadness, anxiousness, anger, lack of self esteem…so I sat myself down today and did some serious soul searching. I sat down and made a list of reasons why I practice and here they are:
1. Boosts my self-esteem and confidence (not the ego)
2. It allows to to have complete control of my eating habits and previous disorders
4. Internal peace and contentment
5. Healthy body
6. Healthy Mind
7. Connects to to the right people…including God
8. Brings me immense joy and happiness
9. It gave me the reins to my life again
10. It continues to transform my life
Seeing these things in writing has given me the push to turn things around again and has helped me realize that nothing is worth giving up my practice and nothing is worth more than how my consistent practice makes me feel. So to keep myself in check, here are my confessions:
1. I have practiced three times in the last two weeks.
2. I have been drinking alcohol on a weekly basis
3. I have allowed old eating habits to occur
4. I have been allowing the judgements and habits of others affect and influence me.
So, there is that. But I write this post to say that I am making the effort to reconnect to what I love and that is Ashtanga yoga and how it effects my life. Sometimes I really believe if I had a shala to go to every morning that maybe I would have gone though this rough patch…but then I also believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that there isnt a shala around for a reason. I believe that I am meant to be practicing in solitude for the time being. So with that belief and faith, I must trudge on. For my overall well being. So, I will be blogging, at the very least, twice a month because I believe that this thing has really held me accountable in the past. For those of you who continue to read, thank you.