Yes, it has been a while since my last post…I wanted to give myself some time to adjust and process everything since I arrived back home. It has been about 3 and a half weeks since I landed back in the USA and to be honest its been really, really tough. Before I left mysore people had given me a heads up that re-entry back into everyday life is hard, especially after your first trip. My first week was fine actually…maybe because I took a trip to Boone, NC and that kept my mind distracted but then the second week back rolled around and reality set in. I am not in Mysore anymore. I won’t be seeing my beloved teacher everyday. I won’t be exploring the city with my friends. And I won’t be enjoying fresh coconuts every morning. So I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I was straight up sad, and became very quite..to the point my parents thought I was mad all the time. But I wasn’t, just sad. But I have kept practicing, the same practice that Sharath left me with, Full primary and up to Laghu Vajrasana in the intermediate series. (But still just primary on fridays 🙂 The drastic change in weather was definitely a shock to the bod…I was SORE, like really sore and I can still barely work up a sweat even with a space heater next to my mat. Since I do not have a shala with a Mysore program close to my house, its been all home practice…in our little sunroom. It will have to do. Everyday I become less and less sad and more and more grateful for my 2.5 months in Mysore, especially when I am on my mat. Though there are times my heart string that is still tied tightly 8,000 miles away is tugged hard.
I don’t think I will ever be able to explain in words to anyone what happened to me over there or how I feel about the whole thing. But all I know is that I was meant to go and to keep going back. Sometimes I’m scared I will wake up and it was all a long, crazy dream…because sometimes it feels that way. But it wasn’t. I was so, so real. Thank goodness for facebook lol. Since I have been back the famous question has been, “So, how was India?” That’s kind of like asking someone “So, how was it having cancer?” You can’t answer it because the entire process or journey was so experiential…you can’t really explain it. So all I can really say back to that is “magical”, because it was. Also, when I tell people about my trip a common response is “Wow! Thats a once-in-a-lifetime trip!” And that comment literally makes my stomach turn. Because I do not want it to be a once in a lifetime thing…in fact it really scares me. Scares me enough to make sure I do go back…many times. Why do I want to keep going back? Thats another question thats really hard to answer. But, its time to work on only myself, to listen to what needs to be heard, and to continue to heal.
So, its a New Year! 2013. The year I am supposed to graduate, but God had a bit of a different plan for me so it’ll be 2014 until I can finally hold that diploma. And thats completely okay with me. Anyway, I can feel like this year is going to be much different than last. Though 2012 could not have ended on a better note, it definitely had a rough start. And thats okay too. In fact I am so thankful for all the obstacles, hardships, and shit that has been handed to me. Why? because If one thing had gone differently, I would have never have gone to India. And for that, I am eternally grateful for all the shit. I have never felt stronger really, my physical body, my mental body, and especially my spiritual body. I feel ready for what lies ahead, whatever that may be. I journey back down to school in two days and I KNOW that will come with many challenges, but I’m equipped with the best tool out there, my yoga practice. Yes, I do miss Mysore so much that when I think about it I tear up, but I know in my heart I will be back. (Trying to make it back this year but can’t get too attached to the idea yet.) Thankfully Sharath will be in NYC in April and I seriously cannot wait. Just to see him will keep my time in Mysore alive…and until I get back for my second trip when I can really let go of the fear of it being a “once in a lifetime trip” and that I am able to keep going back.
One of my mantras this year is “Nothing is impossible.” Because I can honestly say that my trip to Mysore and my daily Ashtanga practice has taught me that. My second is simply “have faith.” Because I have lacked this for so long, and the second I started having a bit again, the universe opened up for me.
I wish all of you a very happy and healthy new year. Don’t be afraid to make changes, take a risk, and have a little bit of faith. Love to you all. XO