wow, time as just FLOWN by these two weeks, and I have not found a space second to write here. To be honest, I just have been COMPLETELY exhausted. My days are non-stop and I feel like I have been on auto-pilot. Each week, I have the same schedule, I feel like I am just going through the motions at this point, I feel like I have lost a lot of my passion. I have been working my butt off for the last 7 months preparing for this trip, so I finally had to stop and remind myself WHY I am doing this in the first place.
I won’t lie, the last few weeks have been really tough, mainly mentally and emotionally. All of my friends left to go back to school, which is always hard. For those of you who don’t know me and my friends, and the relationship we have, its close. Very close. They are apart of my soul, my being. And when they leave, sometimes if feels like four pieces of me left with them. So THAT has been tough. Living at home is tough as well, I love being independent and at times I feel so trapped. My parents are amazing, but I think its the dark memories I have in this house. My eating has been up and down, i’ll have so good and bad days, that I will always struggle with. Each day I have to say out loud, “Food is not who you are Ally.” Sounds silly, but for me its necessary to keep telling myself that.
And Lately I have found that teaching has been really tough for me too. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love teaching yoga, and I know that is what I am meant to do, but lately it has been feeling more of a burden than a blessing. Which I don’t like at all.
Everything I have taken a training or workshop, I feel so at peace with who I am and reassured I am on the right path. It recharges my passion for yoga in general. Being around amazing, accomplished, and inspiring teachers leaves a HUGE impression on me, on my heart. So deeply that I get emotional when it ends. I remember when Michael Gannon first came back in May 2011, after the last session ended I got in my car and just sobbed. I was sad it ended but also so over whelmed with the effect it had on me. The same happened after my workshop with David Swenson and again with MG. It hit me today that as much as I love being a “teacher”, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a student, and I think we always will be as “teachers” too. I can only hope one day I can have my students leaving a class/workshop with that same emotion.
Lastly, I have been so stressed about what is to come for me. I have applied to schools down in NC, but I hate the unknown. I found myself forgetting about my trip and having panic attacks about what the next move will be. Stressing so much to the point of tears and pure exhaustion. But here’s the deal: I have done everything I can to set myself up for a solid next few months, the rest is up to God, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. I don’t want ANYTHING to take anyway something from my trip. That is my main focus. Oh and also I turn 21 in less than a week. I have SO much to look forward to.
So, only a short 26 days stands between me and Mysore India. Its still all so surreal. But I am so ready to go I can’t even stand it. I am ready to spread my wings and go do my thing. Am I scared? UM YES. But its exhilarating. I still have no idea what to really expect..even after talking to people there now and who have been. Or what to expect after I get back. What will it be like? what will I be like? But thats not important. The reward is not at the journeys end, the journey its self is its own reward.