So I have been itching all day to get to my computer to blog and after a long, but good, day at work I have a moment to sit. It has been exactly one week since I started this blog and my Mysore “prep” plan. I can tell you I have practiced everyday, except Saturday which is rest day. Today I went through the entire primary series and I FINALLY got into Garbha Pindasana! (I will post a pic for those who have no idea what the heck that is) Yeah, I did have to spray my arms and legs with water, but hey I still got into it. Now the rolling around is a different story….still working on that. (Holy core strength!) As for my diet…that’s what this post is primarily about.
So I had set these very strict rules about my diet and I have come to realize, which many of you probably thought this, that these guidelines were completely unrealistic. I have done this many times before, trying to make a “diet” plan on paper and thinking that it was totally reasonable, but thats my eating disorder talking. I will tell you that I have not eaten any meat besides a little salmon last night so I did an extra navasana this morning LOL. My diet has been very clean aside from the cookie cake and ice cream my friends and I got a few nights ago…totally worth it. And that in itself is a triumph, normally that kind of thing would have totally been a trigger food. But it wasn’t.
I have found over the past two years struggling with my eating that my yoga practice is key to my healing. When I have a steady, regular practice, my symptoms are practically gone. Do I think about it? Yes. But because of my practice, I am so aware and in tune with my body. I know how important it is to take care of and why it is important to chose wisely as to what you put into it. But, when i do not practice for long periods of time, I suffer the consequences severely. I feel out of touch with my Self and out of control in a way. So, I’m sure you are thinking…”so just dont stop practicing, duh”. Harder said than done, this thing called life gets in the way and before you know it, it has been three weeks since you rolled out your mat.
This time is different, I can feel it in my bones. I am so exhausted with the constant battle, a battle I know I can win because I have all the tools. Its not the talk therapy, doctors, or medication..its my Ashtanga practice. This system was built to heal, I mean it is called “yoga chikitsa” or in english “yoga therapy”.Yoga heals if you let it, and this time I am finally surrendering to its power.
Without my practice, I OBSESS over what I am going to eat or Ill binge and think its okay because I can just get rid of it. Just after a week of steady practice, I know just think of it as fuel. And thats all it really is. But if you want cookie cake and ice cream go for it! Everything in moderation right?? This healing process is exactly that, a process. I won’t wake up tomorrow and be like “Eating disorder? What eating disorder?!” No, just not possible. Having an eating disorder is like being an alcoholic, we are trying to find external sources for happiness and content meant. But does that mean I’ll always have an eating disorder or that alcoholics will always be alcoholics? Absolutely not. Will it be something we struggle with daily? Yes, but It doesn’t have to consume you or define you. I am not my struggles, I am who I am because of my struggles. Each day will bring new struggles, but through my practice I can slowly, slowly learn to deal with them in a non-harmful manner.
We all have our shit, though it may be different circumstances, its all still shit we have to deal with. But, it CAN be dealt with. I can now see my struggle as an opportunity rather than a burden or set back. Marcia told us back in teacher training that in the Chinese language, there is no word for challenge, they just use opportunity. I can actually say now that I am so thankful for the “shit” i have had to deal with. Because If it had never happened, I would have never found yoga, something that I am so passionate about that It brings me to tears and something that resonates deep into my soul. I have tried other forced paths of where I wanted to go in life, and its always led me back to my mat. So this time I am listening. We all have that calling, I think we just find it at different points in our lives. And I know I have found it at such a young age for a reason, and I giving 120% of my heart and soul to it.
In my first post I answered “Why India?”, and I can answer that more in depth. First in foremost, I am going to heal. Immersing myself in practice and study of Ashtanga from the SOURCE is what I truly believe I need to finally put this all behind, but not to forget. Second, this is the first step in my journey to becoming the best teacher I can be. I know the healing power this system has and I have every plan to share it, with the proper authorization of course. 😉 I am by no means trying to become the next yoga star, I just want to be able to share this practice with the world and to make a connection to those who feel like they are alone in their struggles. Mark my words, I will do just that.
So again, this is a novel in the making so i’ll wrap up. Even in this short week of REALLY practicing, I feel recharged, motivated, and content. Wherever you are on your life path and whatever you are dealing with, know that it is just a glitch in the process. Look deep into the root of it and maybe its just a sign from whoever or whatever that something needs to change. We tend to settle for what we think is normal and right, and we forget that we create our own reality.
Love to you all,